February 22, 2011 by Guest Author
I'm back in Yokoji after having spent a few weeks in the Netherlands, my homeland. Barely one hour in Holland I'm suddenly realizing that my time in the USA is over. A surprise because when I left Yokoji I didn't think it would be. It throws me off, because what about these two Sangha's that I consider myself a member of? Kanzeon in Salt Lake City and Yokoji Zen Mountain Center in Mountain Center? And what about the USA? After 5 years I love this country so much! The vast bold nature, the red deserts, the spaciousness, all those sweet Americans I have met, the privilege of having a taste of the culture and appreciating the good things of it, all these friends! How can I leave this all behind?
And on the other side of the ocean are my dear family, friends, my roots, my homeland. I feel torn between two lovers.
How did I ever think it was a good idea to live in the USA anyhow? I'll tell you! It wasn't me, it were these guts. They told me to become a monk and to live in Salt Lake with my teacher. I panicked, feeling full of resistance and fear. And at the same time I knew there was no escape. Guts tell the truth. Even when you don't want to hear it, so in the end I obeyed. What else could I do?
And obeying the guts brought the grist to my mill: practicing in Salt Lake gave me what I was looking for all my life: being at home with myself and inner peace.
Living in Yokoji gave me the opportunity to integrate this big shift in my daily life and I found purpose for the first time in my life: 'I want to serve the world and myself with love and compassion and to relieve suffering'. To really live and manifest this in my daily life is my practice right now and I will do this process of refining the rest of my life.
So what huge gifts did I find in the USA! I'm so intensely grateful. Thank you all! Thank you guts!
Moral of this post: Trust your guts and great gifts will follow. You'll be the follower of your Way and nothing else is more inspiring and fulfilling.
Big smile, joyful hug and much love!
PS 1: I'll be leaving in summer after the spring training period. If you have the chance, please come and support the center and me as the head trainee! Part time or full time. March 6 until May 22, 2011.We are, I am looking forward to practice with you.
PS 2: And yes, I know how totally spoiled I am with 3 families. I'm a very lucky girl...